Feedback from professor:

I think this is a neat little script, but that we need more from it. Well, the assignment demands we need at least two more pages ?, but I would tell you the same thing even if it didn’t.

Marcus is a well-drawn character. He’s so slick and sleazy, with his constant leering at women and naked power play to get Isaac out of the office. I don’t think McConnell comes off the page as much as Marcus does, so he could maybe use a punch up. We think about bureaucrats as robotic, so perhaps that’s a direction you can take him. Just an idea, but the note is to push him further as a character.

The topsy-turvy natures of this script is quite fun, but as discussed during the workshop, the aciton on the final page is unclear. So you’ll have to not only rewrite that description so we know what’s happening, but also rework the story so that it makes more sense. I had read it as Isaac had Marcus killed as punishment and McConnell killed to cover his tracks. I did not understand that “the lady” killed Isaac as well. That’s confusing for the entire story because we don’t know who she is. So whether it’s a just killing or awful murder… it’s hard to understand…

But you need to fill two more pages for the assignment, so incorporating this woman into the script in a more meaningful way is going to help you finish this script. You could use Sylvia, who is already in play as Marcus’s assistant and the object of his wandering eye. His mistreatment of her could be stronger; they could even have a romantic relationship. This could give her motive to kill Marcus, although it remains unclear what she has to do with McConnell and Isaac. However you decide to play it out, this woman needs to have a clearer arc throughout the story. Then it can really work!

Please let me know if you have further questions.